Don't Hold Back... The Sickness of Second Thoughts

My resolution theme for this year is don't hold back. Today I screwed up. I held back big time.

You might as well call me "Second Thought Sarah," because I am am compelled to debate everything within my own head ad nauseam. I know where this came from, and it is a helpful tool to be prepared and think decisions through, but oftentimes I get in my own way. And this year is going to be different. But today was not.

I was awake basically against my will at 4:00 when my stomach decided to get up. I already had in my mind an idea to take the new RV over to sunrise today-- it's the last sunrise before daylight savings time makes it infinitely early. So I thought it would be a great opportunity to practice driving and get a nice Dunkin' Donuts coffee, which I promised myself yesterday and didn't get (a common theme with me). I was awake, dressed, and I even put on earrings. I popped outside a couple of times and I thought I was really ready to go.

But wait. It turns out that we're going to have thunderstorms today. Not until 9:00, but I guess I wanted to be ready early. To worry.

I looked at the sky, I saw clouds. My mind discussed how the clouds and the wind could affect my trip. We're talking about maybe 10 miles round-trip, just for the record. But there's a bridge. The wind. I reasoned that of course I wouldn't blow off the bridge. And it's not even 20 mph winds yet.

Then the birds. A flock of screeching ibis or something flew over head away from the direction of the weather. I stood in my driveway for a full 5 minutes, staring at the sky, and just worrying.

I put all my things in a bag. I put a sweatshirt on. I matched my shoes to my leggings. I'd made tea, wrote in my journal, did my Spanish lessons, and was totally ready. But I didn't go.

I just got nervous. I imagined coming home and backing in during wind or rain, and what if my neighbors were all around..

Internally, I started to panic. I started telling myself "I suck" out loud. And I am very convincing. I even shed a couple of tears of frustration, irritated at myself completely for being awake and up and yet not seizing the opportunity.

But the bottom line is that I didn't go. There's no coffee, no sunrise, no social media post, no patting myself on the back and feeling good about having done something this morning that I wanted to do. Instead there is frustration and resentment that I didn't do it, that I felt I couldn't do it, and that I didn't treat myself right.

So I want to try this differently today. Normally I would just be pretty much spent for the rest of the day, and sadness and irritation at myself; self-doubt and loathing.

And I've already improved. Just the fact that I am here writing this, openly and raw. The fact that I insisted on writing it, then playing guitar, making breakfast, instead of vacumming while beating myself up.

Instead, I'm going to do a yoga practice to heal stress with my guru Adriene. (Incidentally, everyone should check her out, and I do mean everyone. Even if you've never thought you were interested in doing yoga, she can help you feel better and stronger and center yourself.)

Today, I will try to use this as a learning experience. I see what happened and I know that I don't want to be that way. I don't want to lose the rest of the day. I don't want to be upset, crotchety and useless to other people. I am going to accept that I didn't go and plan to do better next time. I'm going to flex and do something different now. At least I can enjoy being in the camper- after all, it's in my driveway nice and safe and sound. It was very cloudy so I didn't really miss a great sunrise, and I will make sure to go out there later this week.

But above all, I want to remind myself of my goals. My vision. Don't Hold Back.

I mean it, don't hold back. I want to see the day, everyday, and drain out the last drop. I don't mean I want to free climb rock walls in the desert, but I'd rather not second-guess myself as to whether or not I drive a few miles over to the beach, and I know I can do better with that. I deserve it. I deserve to give that to myself, and I will try again.

Don't Hold Back. Keep on going.